I continued to participate with this group, even attending their weekly Bible studies. I felt that, if I was going to have all the fun, I really should "earn" it by doing the rest of the activities too. I didn't care for the Bible lessons or the prayer sessions, but I felt very strongly that I should participate because it was important to all of these new friends. Of course, I couldn't help but learn at least a little bit about God.
What really got me involved though was the music. There were several very talented musicians in the group. While I am not a musician myself, I had all the equipment necessary for a small recording studio. We were soon meeting at my apartment and making tapes of their best songs. I came to treasure these sessions because I enjoyed their music so much and also enjoyed the chance to use my equipment and abilities to help them. But even then, I really had no interest in the lyrics of their songs and the message that they contained.
I continued hanging out with this group for three years. By that time I was much older than most of the college students. I also began to feel that I was inhibiting them. All of their activities centered around their faith. I still just didn't fit in. No matter how many times I was invited and told how much they enjoyed my presence, I began to feel that this just wasn't an appropriate place for me to be anymore and so I stopped attending their activities. But since some of the group had now become my closest friends, I did still meet with a few of them now and then.
One person in particular had always fascinated me. She was very intelligent and had a great interest in science (and was also the best musician in the group), so we had lots of common ground to talk about. I always wondered how she could believe in God. She would explain her faith again and again. But I still kept rejecting it. It seemed too mystical to my analytical ways of thinking. One day in frustration I finally asked her why everyone kept putting up with me and why they wouldn't be happier without me around. She answered that every person was important and that no amount of effort was too much to spend to win another soul for Jesus. I said that if Jesus wanted me he could come get me. Until then I would have no reason to look for him. I left, intending to never discuss the topic again.
A week later, I was invited to a surprise birthday party for one of the people in the group and didn't feel quite rude enough to turn down the invitation. That girl was also at the party, and I found myself asking her if we could get together to talk again. I couldn't believe that I had asked. I had no intention of discussing any of this with her anymore. But now I had an appointment to talk again and had no idea why. When we got together again I had no idea what to say to her. When she finally asked why I wanted to talk, I said, "I think I want to become a Christian." She was very surprised, but not as surprised as I was. All I could think was that I didn't say that! I didn't make those words come out of my mouth. She asked me why I wanted to become a Christian and I answered that I realised that there was something Christians had in their lives that I lacked and I wanted it, whatever it was.
Even then, I wasn't quite ready to accept it all. We talked about what it meant to accept Christ into my life. I was still fighting it though. Too much of my life had been spent analyzing God out of my life. Too much of me protested. She said that I had a lot of unlearning to do.
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